I Fucked Up - Doki Doki Literature Club

BIG HONKING TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSIONS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE. DON'T BE A HERO SCROLL ON BY.

Troops, I screwed up. Yes with my choices in the game (Yuri is cute, ok?), but also for playing this game in the first place.

Some background if you're unfamiliar: I'm a mentally ill autistic woman with self harm and suicidal tendencies. This game deals with some graphic depictions of suicide, which is blamed on your MC's choices. Now you're all caught up, you know EXACTLY why I fucked up.

Picture the scene. You love horror games and you've heard good things about this one. Disturbing, but good. You start playing, a few hours in you give yourself 10 more minutes before you log off for the night. After all, they've only started breadcrumbing the horror to come, you figure you have time before shit hits the fan. You Are Very Wrong.

Your childhood friend Sayori hung herself. You find her lifeless body swinging from her bedroom ceiling. I'm told the next section has some rather excellent fourth wall breaking digital degradation (it's kinda my jam), but I couldn't keep my eyes on the screen. It physically hurt. As soon as I made my way back to the home screen (which had also changed) I shut my PS5 down and put some lights on, rocking to steady myself. When I close my eyes, I can still see her. Lifeless.

It's safe to say I was very triggered by that. That is unsurprising, honestly, with my past I am more susceptible to such things. What is surprising, at least to me, is that I continue to do this to myself. I've lived with this mental illness all my life. I know I find this content triggering. So why keep consuming it?

That's the million pound question isn't it? The last most prominent example I can think of is Omori, another game that is heavy on suicidal imagery. I knew playing that game was upsetting me, but I kept playing until the end, fighting my own fight or flight reflexes. This mental illness has stolen much from me already. It will take more. I can accept that, so why can't I accept that I have triggers that I am responsible for too?

I could say something wanky and high minded like "Oh a good story is worth a little discomfort". I know, I know. Intolerable, isn't it? I could say I didn't know it would trigger me like that, which would be an outright lie. No I fear the real reason is something a little more stupid - I simply don't want to believe there are some stories that won't benefit me to hear.

The current theory I have is that video games are my window to different worlds, different lives. To close even one for a reason such as being triggered by the content feels unfair. These stories beckon me to see something I may never have seen before, a viewpoint that may otherwise be lost to me. I don't want to limit where I may escape to, no matter how it may hurt me to see something new. Or at least, that's the best theory my sleep deprived, overwhelmed and still slightly shaking self can come up with right now.

I don't know if I can go back to Doki Doki Literature Club. I know there is so much more to see, but I'm not sure if I should. I'm also not sure I should make this decision now. No, right now I'm going to find a squishmallow, make a cup of tea, and go to bed. I may suck at prevention, but I can try to provide myself a soft landing to feel safer in. Night troops. X